Full Name: Elina Berglund
Location: 
•	Ritargatan 4b
•	754 33 Uppsala
•	Sweden
•	Phone number: ‪+46 727 308 498‬‬
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"Another metoo post I guess. A piece of my childhood that wants out.

Hi.

First of all: I don't know what I want with to do with this, I guess I just want to move past and heal. Writing this down might structure my thoughts and release some anxiety.
The other day while I was reading through the massive amount of statements and confessions I've seen on social media these past days, I was thinking "God, this has happened to so many girls out there, I'm glad it didn't happen to me”. I felt genuinely relieved, because I thought I hadn't experienced this, and felt deeply for the victims out there.
I've been having lots of anxiety and depression back and forth since I was a teenager in highschool, going up and down like a rollercoaster. I lost myself somewhere along there and I can barely remember anything from the highschool-and-up years, because I was living in a constant fog of depression. I had one troublesome relationship after another, which lead to me disconnecting myself from everyone, never being able to make or keep friends. I blamed myself for everything I felt, all bad feelings was because of me being completely out of touch with the world. At a point I thought I was hyper-narcissistic, because at times I was completely unable to consider other peoples feelings, because I was so busy being in my own head, fogged with my own feelings and fucked up thoughts. I was for a long time completely sure that my depression was because I had been born fucked up.

Yesterday, I was having a conversation with a friend about our childhoods, and how a big part of my teenage years revolved around boys and relationships. I was sexually active quite early in life. I told my friend a thing about two past relationships and he reacted insanely strongly to it, telling me that it was very wrong what happened to me. This made me realize the truth that I have been putting away, and it hit me like a lightning-strike, like a big piece of my inner puzzle was falling into place. I didn't know at all how to react to it.

When i was 15, I had a sexual relationship with a 24-year-old man. It's been my deeply suppressed secret for a long long time, and no-one has ever gotten to know of it because I've been deeply ashamed of it all, and blaming myself for it. It has been hanging over me like a dark cloud, that I weirdly enough had learned to live with and completely rationalise away.
The 24-year-old man was a main founder of a really big event. I met him at the first convention i ever attended, where we started talking, and he gave me his number. The fact that I was 15 was not a problem to him because, "I seemed more mature than my age" (i.e: A well-developed body). These things made me, as a young girl, fall easily into his trap.

He groomed me over time during these events. I am really sure this now, after recalling it over and over again in my head. I had read about this on online forums before and people on there were saying this and that, and "if ur 15 and hes 20+ and it's mutual then what's the problem?" But, that was the problem, I had minimal experience, I didn't know right from wrong, I was thrown into adult situations way too early.

I remember being really proud of being the "youngest girl he's been with", as he said. I was completely obsessed with receiving validation from him, like a little puppy-dog. I thought he was super cool, very socially out-going and charismatic, he knew everyone and everyone seemed to love him. I was crushing on him really hard. He had a very, very high sex-drive, strongly flirting with multiple women constantly. Since I was desperate to be one of these women, it wasn't very hard for me to do things for him. I am sure now that he had multiple girls he was with at the same time, but since I was a master of denial at the time I would just go on with it, falling for it all.

He would invite me to come with him during conventions a couple of times at the start. Many times he took me far away to other cities, sharing a shitty inflatable bed with him to sleep on. The conventions had shared rooms that we all slept in, because the convention didn't have a lot of money. One time when he went out partying one evening, he came back shit-drunk, got in the inflatable bed and tried to put his penis between my legs, while I completely tried to shut him down. I was extremely embarrassed as there were plenty of other people around us in the sleeping room. I can't recall a single good memory from that event.

These sort of things would continue for about a year forward until I was thrown away, completely left to the dust, feeling horrible and ashamed as fuck. After this, he would invite me to the hotel rooms he had rented during some of the evenings in order to have sex with me. The weekend that I think caused the most hurt for me was during an event in Stockholm, where he invited me to stay over at his apartment for the full duration of the event. I loved the idea of that, that I would get to spend time with him over the whole weekend, that had never happened before! Of course, we spent most of the time there in his apartment, him making me do a lot of sexual things I had never done before, mostly kink play, luckily never anything rough or anything that hurt except for one thing.
Since, I have had a lot of trouble being open about sex, not being able to handle talking seriously about it with close partners or friends, this really takes a lot out of me to open up about.
The man was really proud of above average sized penis, the size of which would hurt me, and on top which that he wanted to have a lot of sex, because of his high sex drive. I remember being really sore that weekend, and many times not wanting to do it, but he somehow persuaded me into still doing it, because I was so deeply wanted him to like me. There's more details to this, but there's no point to telling them.
Shortly after the weekend in his apartment, he stopped wanting to see me. I remember feeling hurt, but most of all feeling alone, because I had no friends to open up to about this, and telling my parents would expose the lies i had given to them, since I had gone to Gothenburg, Stockholm, and several other cities in order to meet the man.
After all of this, I started hanging out with a different guy, who at the time was 5 years older then me. I wanted to hang out with him as a friend, I was not very interested in him romantically. We had met earlier during previous conventions, and it turned out he was the son of a close friend of my father, which made me feel unable to say no to him. It turned out weirdly after he took me to his home, and right away started to make out with me, which I strangely didnt say no to, even though i didn't want to. Then, he wanted to go further and have full intercourse, which I tried hard to say no to. I really tried but this guy wouldnt stop, he blamed me for "Getting him started already" so me, still a 15 year-old girl who was petrified of conflicts and already deeply hurt inside, said yes, even though I didn't want to. I remember finishing the intercourse and then quickly running home, once again hurting inside. I think I cried that day, and I never wanted to go back to him or his dad's house ever again.

I received permanent damage in my privates from this. I went to doctors many times about the symptoms like dryness, itching, and permanent soreness that I felt. My sex life with the partners i had after these events had gone to shit, I didn't know what I wanted anymore, and because of this I started resenting sex completely.

But the worst thing about all of this was when I, out of feeling so deeply lost and alone, chose to deny what had happened, and chose to feel HAPPY over the sexual skills i had been "taught". I have had this denial shoved away for so long, deeply into the back of my head, leading to me living a skewed life, with a skewed view on relationships. I liked the 24-year-old man so much, that I still talk to him to this day, 8 years later.

It's not true that these people and these experiences, are the only reasons as to why I'm so messed up inside. I continued doing some real shit through my later teenage years, and there is more stuff from before I was 15 – But, these people deepy hurt me in many ways.
It was due to this that i lost the cheery, happy Elina, due to this that i lost all of my self confidence, which lead to me screaming for attention and validation, having panic attacks, and spending the remaining time trying to receive comfort through other people, rather than tryig to become comfortable in myself. Because of all this, I feel that i was robbed of my teenage years.

Very recently I've started healing from these years, thanks to streaming, which has let me regain my confidence in myself, and thanks to the many friends I've found through all of this.
I have grown enough that i am able to own up to my life experiences, and this will be the way I let this go and move forward.

It feels hard to finish this, I was always like "why would I share this" but I realize that this will be quite important for me to move on and get those good pieces of life. Thank you so much for reading. ♥
- Elina"